


Secrecy the Lonely Way to Live

by AleXandra Danielle Paris (Fictionness)



Series: Reflections on the Past [7]
Category: The X-Files
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 12:14:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17508428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fictionness/pseuds/AleXandra%20Danielle%20Paris
Summary: Cancerman Anguish.  Basically it's Cancerman at Mrs Mulder hospital bed reflecting on his life.  NO MSR, NO VIOLENCE, NO SWEARING.  It's Cancerman and his relationship to all of the Mulder family among others.





	Secrecy the Lonely Way to Live

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER:- All the characters and situations of the X-files television program are the creation and property of Chris Carter, and Fox Broadcasting and have been used without permission. No copyright infringement intended. Please comments with thoughts, good the bad and the ugly.
> 
> SPOILERS:- Set in the third season final. (originally published Sun Sep 29 1996)

The man known as Cancerman among, other names sat by her bed. Questions such as `Did he do the right thing?' popped into his head. Should he have found out about Samantha, his beloved's daughter. No. He was right to choose to extend his own life,  
maybe he could find her.

"My dear, do you think we made the right choices in life? What would have happened if we had decided to make a life together? I wonder, would you be in this bed now, or earlier or later? Would you be in the grave instead? All the what if's are what could destroy us." Cancerman paused to take in the sight of Mrs Mulder, the woman he still dearly loved.

It was so hard. The truth. The lies, he had to do, not only because of the syndicate had `dictated' for him to do it, but also because his personal life forced him to do so. Was all the power worth the losses he had faced? It was true, he had some power. It was a hell of a lot more than anybody would guess; doing the dirty work of the syndicate did pay dividends. But the question plagued him. What if?

He had never pushed even when he knew the truth. They couldn't afford for anybody to find out the truth. But he had asked what she would have done if she had the chance. She had replied `marry him'. But it wasn't an option, she knew she was watched in case Bill spilled anything about the Project. She couldn't afford to get a divorce then. And he couldn't.....no...wouldn't force her into anything that she couldn't do. Slowly their relationship had drifted then deteriorated, till they couldn't see eye to eye. It didn't  
mean that he had stopped loving her.

"Isn't love a grand thing?" He could have laughed. That person didn't realise how hard it is to close off part of your heart for the safety of others. He wondered what Fox's reaction to the truth of his family would be. It seemed rather pointless now to call him Mulder since she was in the hospital. Both the children could have been his. Was he jealous of Bill Mulder and his relationship with the children no matter how strained it was? 

He wondered if she could read his mind. In the old days she could read him like a book just from a look. That was how it had to be. How could he go to his friend and say `I'm in love with your wife?' That wasn't an option, they had to be discrete.

His mind jumped all over the place at times like this. He was now thinking about Mulder, a time earlier when he had a gun to his head just like a few minutes before. He did like him and Scully, just as he liked his sister. They were both a part of the woman on the bed. They were raised by his friend. Sure one of the children was his biological child. But to them and Bill they were *his* children. 

He wondered would he go to hell for what he had done in his life. Probably but who could tell how God would judge. His thoughts returned to the woman in the bed whom he prayed wouldn't die. If he hadn't seen so many horrors in his life, he might have been able to cry. But like so many people in his line, emotions welled up for too long died. They no longer knew how to show them or how to release them.

It was strange how people forget the things they want to. Fox had forgotten his visits to the summer house and the house in Massachusetts. Just like he would like to forget some of the missions he had done in his earlier days. But his photographic memory didn't have the release valve that Fox's had.

How he loved the woman in the bed. He supposed a loss of a child could make one slightly bitter. He had a feeling that she thought he had something to do with Sam's disappearance. He wished it was only that simple. But nothing ever was on the fields with which he played. Even more so lately with Mulder around. Like Farther like Son. He wondered what traits he had gotten from his farther. He wondered what Sam would be like now. She was a sweet care free child unlike the broody Fox. But Fox was smarter.

What would life had been like for Fox and his mother if Samantha hadn't been because of Bill's foolishness? Would there have been grandchildren for her? Would Mulder have been as driven as he is? There was no question that Mulder would still be with the X-Files. What would have Samantha chosen to do with her life? No matter what people thought he knew bits and pieces of Samantha's history but not the whole picture. He had the feeling the syndicate knew about him and that was why they never told, him. But did they know the whole picture? No.

What would happen if she woke up now? Probably tell him to get out. And he would do so, just from the joy that she was okay. But the nurse had told him it was very unlikely. This could be permanent. What would happen to the lies that both, he and this woman had perpetrated? What would happen indeed.

He got; up he would come back later. All the what if's had gotten him thinking. He needed to have a plan. Sure he had one, but unfortunately the actions of others tended to spoil any well set plans. Krycek had not lived up to his full potential. Skinner the meddling pain in the .... well he seemed, to keep going. He had to plan on what he wanted, a life or power. His job would never give him a name. It put him in a place where other plans were initiated. He now needed his own. He kissed the woman's hand and left.


End file.
